Monday, June 25, 2007

Me and the Sun had a fight

Paul / Michael writes about his relationship whit the Sun.
By: Paul / Michael

One of these days, I'll simply leave. Just like that. And then, the Sun will be so sad and lonely that it won't see any reason to keep on living.
After that, it'll explode and kill everyone on Earth, even those who are, at that time, on the dark side of the planet. Now, I know you're thinking: '' There's no way that any Sun-explosion could kill people even on the dark side'' but, believe me, it could. Easy.
I watched a documentary about it.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the middle.

Sun is my friend. We hang out during the day, when the Moon or that clown from McDonalds can't bother us. Sun is a really cool guy (or a girl, I'm too polite to ask) and we can talk or mind-swap about anything. I wake up, go outside and Sun is already there, right on my doorstep. Usually we walk around the block, Sun and me, just chatting, while people look on with jelousy. Their eyes are wide and distant while they walk by; some even try to divert my attention away from Sun, the sons of bitches. I don't let that bother me, because I know everybody would like to be friends with Sun (you to, and don't try to deny it), and I just smile back. That's how we role, Sun and me, day in and out.
But, Sun has a big problem.
It drinks. A lot. And when it does, it makes me recite dirty songs to passers by. Then the trouble starts. Sun makes me stand on some busy intersection, and perform its so-called hits. Sun does this only to embarrass me, I'm sure, but I can't say no to my friend. So I start to scream out titles like: ''what you're looking at, fat retard?'' , ''gimmie a gun so I can clean this street from you morons'' , ''I want to drill holes in your lumpy head, ugly girl''. For some reason, people react badly to them: they push me, yell at me, curse me, threaten to call the police while others do just that. Then the police arrive, and I stop and run away. All the while, Sun laughs like mad up there, drunk like a horse. I tell you, it totally sucks.
So, one day, I decided not to take any more abuse.
I stayed at home.
I could hear Sun calling me, but I stayed quiet.
Next day, Sun told me it knew I was inside. It asked me to come out and that it stopped drinking. I didn't believe it.
The next day, Sun came back and thretened to cook me alive if I didn't come out.
That was too much.
I was prepared to leave and begin a new life in an underground cave where stupid Sun couldn't bother me. Just as I packed up and left my house in the middle of the night, the Moon stopped me. It had a message from the Sun.
It would kill itself if I leave. Moon asked me if I knew what that meant. I didn't.
It would mean BOOOM!
So, because I love you all, I decided to stay. Although Sun apologized and promised to stop drinking, a few days latter, I'm back at the corner singing ''I made out with your mamma, wife and sister, Mister Officer.''
But one of these days, I will leave it; I know I'm strong enough.
Even if it means you all have to burn to death in a gigantic Sun-explosion.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

The big Taliban strategy switcheroo

Snake clarifies the new Taliban tactic, and explains what it will mean to Afghan people.
By: Snake

In a BBC telephone interview, a Taliban leader talked about the surprises his organization has in store for the Afghanistan War season 2007/08. In short, it will be a bomb.
In fact, it will be a multitude of bombs, carried or driven by people (those are called ''suicide bombers'') to be used on targets in the capital, Kabul. And the targets include, well, almost everything that can be destroyed and/or killed.
The good news is they won't target things like the sky, the moon, love, bad musical taste and stuff like that.

The bad news-they'll target everything and everyone else.

And that's the new Taliban strategy. Concentrate on Kabul, and primarily use suicide attacks. People in the capital, if they have electricity needed to power their radio (80% to 90% is probably still in blissful darkens) that is, are certainly thinking: ''God, what else? Alien invasion? Volcano? The plague? Oh wait, we already have the plague...''

As the warlord explained during the interview, their last offensive tactic didn't work out as they had hoped. Most likely the reason for that is the fact that their previous tactic revolved around meeting behind barns and outhouses in Helmand province in the evening, camping and relaxing, and then shooting on the first NATO convoy that passes by in the morning. I don't know if you ever saw a Taliban gunmen firing his AK-47; the thing is - you shouldn't hold the gun by the magazine - that way, you won't hit jack shit. Also, it's a bad idea to empty your clip in a single burst, because the barrel will jump all over the place (even 11 year old kids know that, from Counter Strike-short bursts only). For some reason, the Taliban prefer that kind of handling; maybe that's their version of bad-ass gangsta style.

On the other hand, NATO soldiers hold their guns in a totally uninteresting way, but can hit a man 400 yards away. That, in combination with their aircraft, APC, satellite imagery, J-DAM bombs, and similar deadly things, was a good indicator of the shear pointlessness of the ''direct attack'' approach. In spite of that, the Taliban stuck with it for 5 years.
No more, if we can believe their PR; simply, it's not that the last tactic failed, it's just that this one is much better. From now on, de facto suicide attacks on NATO bases and personel will be changed to real suicide attacks on markets, check points, government buildings, music shops, girl schools and other soft targets. The leader also stated that they had a bunch of eager volunteers, so the stream of human detonations should be long and continuous.

You should think that this information would cause some concern with the top NATO generals. Not at all, because, according to them, the Multinational Force is winning. Why, it was winning all the time, and will continue to do so, even when the explosions start to rock the streets on a daily basis.

So, what's new on the Afghanistan front?
NATO is winning, Taliban are winning, and the citizens of Kabul can watch live how their city becomes Baghdad 2.0.

Friday, June 15, 2007

I could be Miss World

Good and unexpected news for every mom in the world.
By Madelyn:

Today is a great day. You could even say, a monumental day.

Today, The Miss Spain beauty contest (that's in Spain) changed the rules, and from now on, even mother will be allowed to enter that competition. Before, mothers couldn't participate, and last year organizers even disqualified Angela Bustillo after she won the crown of Miss Cantabria. Ofcourse, that smooth move created a big buzz, and eventually, the pedophile judges who crave only underage contestants, had to comply. Now, I really don't care about knocked-up Angela and all the crushing emotional pain she went through during this awful ordeal. Anyway, she lives in Spain, for God sake - how bad can it be?

This news is important for a different reason. Moms can enter beauty contests.
Moms! Granted, for now, only in Spain, but it has to spread. And what does that mean?
I could enter in a few years, or even months. And then, the real show begins.
You see, I sort of despised my kids from the moment they ruined my body. You can be a goddess all your life, but when those things start growing in your gut, it's all over. First, say goodbye to your waist. I know, a bunch of you girls are thinking:" Oh, that's no biggie. I'll go on a diet right after the blood/plasma suckers finally pop out.'' Yeah, right!
All I can say is: while you have your baby - no way baby! Sure, we all saw all those celebrities that look great during pregnancy and are back on the screen/catwalk in weeks. But, they don't have to take care of their children, and you do. And all they want to do is suck and scream all night long. The first transforms your breasts in saggy, half-filled balloons, and the second gives your face a not so appealing I-could-kill-for-a-good-night-sleep look, dominated by the ever-present bags under your eyes.

To wrap it up, child bearing messes your body and face pretty much completely. Oh, the joy of giving life.

But, this is our chance, moms young and old. If we can enter a beauty competition, we can win, and then the world of riches and leisure could be ours! How, you ask, how can we compete against tight skin, perky breasts and fresh, innocent faces?

Why, we won't. Our admirers don't want youth. They want just what we have - motherhood.
Ever heard of MILF fans? They get off on older ladies, and the fact that we had little heads pushing trough our vaginas makes them really horny. I know, they're totally sick, but they take their obssession very seriously. Combine that with the fact that almost every future beauty competition will be based on some kind of public voting system, and we have a winner - us! Just imagine, there are millions of horny boys that fantasies about their best friends mom, and one day, while there watching a Miss World competition, among all those girls that look alike, they notice someone like you or me. They'll grab their computer or cell, and vote like crazy. I can even hear them calling their friends.

"Hey, Mark, check out Miss World. There's a totally awesome older babe competing.''

''I know man; I flipped out when I saw her. She's freaking hot, man!''

''I voted for her - 4 times.''

''Shut up! Me - 9 times!''

''Yeah, man. Sweet!''

And the title goes to...

That could be you. Or me. There's plenty of space for all, because, when we show up, looking like real women, who will notice those girls barely out of puberty . We can finally get some pay back for all that misery men like to call - ''bringing a new life to the world.''

I brought them, so now give me that crown.

Monday, June 4, 2007

A new cold war on the horizon?

Grandpa Milo analyses the possibility of a second conflict between East and West.
by Grandpa Milo:

Now, who would have guessed that ex-KGB dwarf Putin has a backbone after all? When he took over from the drunken laughing dancing- with-Bill-Clinton piggy, I thought to myself: ''here's another castrated US puppet.'' And for the first few years, he sure acted as a lame, weak and tender President. All that was left from once mighty SSSR was to busy queuing for bread, while its state influence was fast becoming equal to Uganda's, Monaco's and East Timor's. And to think, just two decades ago, parents scared their children with the images of crazy, bloodthirsty Red Army privates looking to kill and maim on the eve of nuclear Armageddon. But then, all of the sudden, the scariest image of Russians was a bare ass immigrant prepared to work for a less than a minimum wage. For a long time, I thought that was the way things will be for good.

I cried myself to sleep every night.

But then from out of nowhere - a glimmer of hope.

Good old US of A armaments plans saved the day. Because a new defense plan, or better to say, an old plan, first hatched in a demented head of a former cowboy actor, is going to kick star my beloved nuclear standoff. You see, during the 80's, Ronald Reagan fell asleep one afternoon in front of the TV. And when he woke up, he conceived a brilliant plan to save the Western democracies from soviet missiles. He planed to shoot them down - with lasers! And he wanted to name it - Star Wars.
Can you guess what was he watching before he fell asleep?

Of course, he explained he's brilliant plan to the defence establishment, and they, instead of calling the family doctor for some stronger anti-hallucinogenic, approved it!

Naturally, 20 years later, everybody realized that Star Wars project was just a retarded pipe dream, but now there's another US President that has a tendency towards crazy war schemes. He's big one is the placement of a Ballistic Shied, or a series of missile interceptor silos all over the world in case North Korean super strong industry builds a really big nuclear catapult.
But, the greater thing is that US plans to place a few of those silos in Czech Republic and Poland. Those countries are in Russia's backyard, people. Not to mention the fact that they were a part of SSSR.

That pissed the Russians of really bad. First, they tested a new intercontinental ballistic missile, which, unlike its Korean and Iranian counterparts, can actually hit something. After that, the military declared that if the development of the Ballistic Shield project continues, they would have to aim their nuclear arsenal on Europe once again.
And all the while, Putin continues to spread some badass soviet style aggressive rhetoric.
Even the world’s smartest man can't tell how is this going to end, but even the stupidest can see it won't be good.
Now I can go to sleep every night, and dream of new, fun nuclear crisis to come.