Tuesday, July 31, 2007

We're baaaack!

Drink and be merry; our collective vacation is over, and the complete Mag13 staff is back.
Some of us traveled to regular tourist destinations, others to distant, mystical places where they found deep spirituality, together with cheap prostitution and dog fight pits. Some writers even decided to stay at home and work double time with their psychotherapists (why travel abroad, when you can travel to your troubled childhood). The good news is - we all came back free of STD's (new ones, at least) and without a single international arrest warrant. And really, what more can you ask for?

From now on, Magazine13 is back in business, and you can read all about our summer experience in the upcoming ''2007 Vacation Season'' series.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Blog's out for summer!

Well, it's been a bumpy ride so far, but we got here. 13 posts, one real reply, one spam reply on Spanish or Portuguese, not sure (the guy is selling t-shirts or something similar), but we still have faith in the future greater audience. Any way, we, the staff and the writers, had unanimously agreed that things are going really good for Magazine13, and we had decided to take a little break. Don't expect any activities around here until early august, because we'll be on some tropical island, doing local legal drugs and enjoying the Japanese nuclear power plant polluted and warmed by the green house effect crystal clear ocean waters.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Australians in Iraq - where, where?

Snake examines a possible new role for the Australian troops in Iraq.

By: Snake

Recently, Brendan Nelson (for everyone outside that continent - that's the Australian defense minister) admitted that the security of oil supplies was one of the main reasons for Australia's engagement in the 2003 Iraq invasion. That made a real buzz on the international scene - Australian prime minister denied it, White House denied any knowledge about oil reserves in Iraq, and even Nelson admitted that he was probably drunk, stoned and maybe even under some kind of telepathic fundamentalist mind control while giving the statement.

It's reported that CIA is working on a way to send a ninja-agent back in time; she (all good ninjas are, in fact, female) could then stop this embarrassing stamen from occurring by killing Brendan's grandmother, or the inventor of radio - waves (it was a radio interview).

But, alas, it's all in vain. The sad truth is out there. And the public is shocked like a nun on a trampoline - they are in it for the money; I mean oil. Golly-gosh! Of course, I've seen too much sick shit to be surprised by the fact that people get surprised by the things they all ready know, but it's still amusing. And, that's not the main point here.

The real shocker is - Australia has 1500 troops stationed in Iraq! And that's since the invasion, meaning the last 4 years.
What the hell do they actually do? Are they interior decorators? Army bloggers? They sure don't fight - have you ever seen a headline: ''XY Australian troops die in a roadside attack''. I haven't.

Where are they stationed? Not in Anbar. Not in the south, or Baghdad, or in the north. Are they underground, fighting the Al Kaida's mutant cave dwelling crab-people? Because, it sounds to me like they are... How should I put it - evading the El Grande Shitstorm.

And please, don't tell me they are working in logistics or planning or something intelectual like that. I served with Aussies, and there's no way to keep them away from the bottle. When planes start falling from the sky, be sure there's a drunken guy from Sidney sleeping on the radar.

Frankly, who can blame them? It's not that anyone would rush to fight in Iraq.

But, I have a proposition. Australians should train local militias. It doesn't matter if they are Sunny or Shia, as long as they spend some time with them. Why? Because, although they are lousy, drunk, half ass soldiers; they are great people. Funny, laid back, into sports, always ready to party. Besides them, every fundamentalist has to mellow out at least a little.

This way, everybody's happy. Aussies can sit on their asses and dick around with the locals (who already know enough about fighting from real life experience), and the recruits can hang around some of the best guys on Earth.

I'm a strategic genius.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Crafty MS

Microsoft has launched a new catchy slogan ''People ready Business '' that the majority doesn't quite understand. Read Grandpa decode these 3 mysterious words.
By: Grandpa Milo

People-ready Business

After I heard this new MS slogan my first reaction was probably similar to everyone else's.
I thought it was great! Although I heard many good slogans during my many years, such as ''Just do it'', ''Let's rebuild now'', ''who's your daddy?'' P-R-B immediately got a place in my hall of fame. I mean; it stuck with me like some kind of a strange, unidentified, tropical sexually transmitted diesis. I simply can't get it out of my head. Just yesterday, my kids and grandkids came to visit me. They asked me if I still had that annoying back pain, and I replied in an instant - ''People-ready Business''. Heh, can you imagine that! They all immediately assumed I developed Alzheimer's, and would die soon. Well, sorry to disappoint you, ungrateful bloodsuckers, but I'm not dying any time soon, thank you very much.

Why am I so infatuated with that simple slogan? After all, I can barely use a computer (and for me, it continues to be an over rated electric typing machine), Internet is 95% porn and 5% terrorist clubhouse, and soon, freakish robots will rebel and destroy humanity. I think like that, well, because I, like all seniors, have a deep, unreasonable suspicion about everything new.

Yet I love P-R-B, and here's why.

Nowadays, every new commercial and promotional campaign is built around some pathetic softy-softy idea. Animated street thug is suddenly starting to help everyone, and so should we (after a few Cokes, naturally); then there's that mobile phone ''there's a thing in my pocket'' commercial, telling us we are all different and special in our own way (even more if we all have the same silly phone). The list goes on, and even the major heavy industries are on the emotional train - oil giants like Shell and Texaco are doing the environmentally friendly routine, saving baby monkeys, building windmills, and planting trees on every TV screen around.
It makes me sick.
Companies shouldn't fight for the environment - what will all those lazy hippie stoners from Greenpeace do? I don't want my phone telling me I'm special; I want it to have longer battery life, and I don't care if the production process of that battery killed off a few endangered species. Most of all, I definitely don't want Coca-cola teaching me how to be a good citizen (I know a lot of you fat gamers out there are screaming about that GTA and how Coca-cola only made a parody; but believe me - you're still being brainwashed by it).

And that's why Microsoft ''People-ready Business'' is great - it's all about business. If you read it carefully, you'll realize it's not about you or me or Chinese children working in sweet shops; it's about business. That business is ready for people, and not the other way around. Some huge structure, totally independent from humanity and just seemingly run by real people is ready for more humans. It doesn't matter if you'll buy its product or work for it - it's ready for you, and it wants you - now. Your needs and desires are irrelevant, your emotions pointless. Business doesn't care about humanity, our global warming and bad TV channels; to it, we're just sustenance, and it needs us like an engine needs fuel or a T-Rex needed other dinosaur's flesh.
Henry Ford would understand that concept; so would Rupert Murdock and the Borg.
So forget how special you really are, or how renewable energy sources can save the planet, because good old hard business is back in business, and it's finished with all the fake bullcrap.