Sunday, August 26, 2007

Kid Nation for everyone

Madelyn writes about the new CBS reality show ''Kid Nation''.
By: Madelyn

I didn't even see one episode of the ''Kid Nation'' series, but you know what - I love it. It's just completely awesome.
Not because of its entertaining value or the controversial premise. Who cares about that?

CBS takes your kids away for 40 days and gives you 5000$ in return! You get a good 4-week holiday with no nagging, crying and bitching about everything. You don't have to get up at 05:05 to start making breakfast or drive miles and miles to pick up your brats from school. You get your freedom, even if it has to end in 40 days. At least you will spend it in Heaven.

At the same time, your children will be given real tasks and jobs in some abandoned desert backwater town. They'll have to sweat and work - the exact thing you and I do every day. Believe me, they won't like it, and that's a good thing. Maybe after that they'll appreciate all we had to sacrifice so that some little Brandon or Timmy could get their copy of ''World of Warcraft'' , and show some gratitude for a change.

Of course, there's a minimal chance that your kid will die or be horribly injured in some kind of freakish cooking accident, drink rat poison or fall in an open mine shaft, but that can happen anywhere, anytime and no one will pay you 5K+''CBS mourns the loss of your child'' bonus.

As I see it, there's only one thing missing in the show concept.
Similar kid jails... I mean reality show sets for the whole population. And those 40 days could easily become 80. Or even 120.

God bless TV.

Friday, August 17, 2007

You can tell it's Chin... Thaila... Mattel?

Read a two-for-one comment on recent recall of millions of Mattel toys as different parts of Paul / Michael psyche have a not-so-constructive debate.
By: Paul / Michael

Here's a stupid decision. Recall 9 million valuable products because of a few drops of lead paint. Now, every parent will make their kid lick new toys so they could sue someone if something like this happens again.

It's not just about the paint. Toy trains had small but powerful magnets that can fall out. What if some child had swalloved one?

So what? It would only make them look cool in school. They could do magic tricks with their newly magnetic belly.

It can kill them.

Oh, come on. We ate some magnets when we were young, right?

No, we newer did.

OK, maybe not exactly magnets, but we definitely ate or inhaled some stupid things. And what is wrong with us, eh?

We have a very severe mental illness. Right now, you and me are talking to no one and writing it down. Enough?

And that's because we inhaled GI Joe's miniature plastic helmet 20+ years ago?

It was his gun. But that's besides the point; we can't take any risk when there are helpless children involved.

Oh, so it's about the helpless children, is it? Well, where are those toys coming from?


Right. And who is making them - little, penniless Chinese children. Those toy factories are their only livelyhood, and the recall is going to close most of them down. Not only that, the Government is probably going to execute the upper management for failing the economy. In a few days, little Huan Che will come home and ask: ''Mommy, where is daddy? Is he still in the office? ''. His mother will answer in tears: ''No, honey, we are going to get him. Give mommy the wallet, we have to pay the bill for one AK-47 round.''
Of course, no one will kill hundreds of 11-year-old workers - they are going to die of hunger on the streets.

Hey man, it's our kids or theirs. That's what happens when you make lousy goods.

We made Windows Vista.

Oh right... Damn...

Sunday, August 12, 2007


Granpa Milo visited "The Big European Boot". Find out what he thought about it.
By: Grandpa Milo

To be honest, I never wanted to travel to Italy. I don't like pizza, all cathedrals look the same to me, and Italians are just too loud. Golly gosh, if you had ever told me that I would be visiting Vatican along side 100 Japanese tourists with cameras and white hats, I would have told you to put down your dope pipe.

Sadly, my wife was the one who told me that I was going with her - or she won't be coming back.
I had been living with her for the last few decades, so I knew she meant business.

Couple of days later, we were on our merry way to the land of greasy food and hair.

And, my God was it terrible.

The flight to Italy lasted 13 hours. In the end, my back felt like I was the star quarterback in a team that has the worst defence in the NFL. After that, we had to get a cab. That episode lasted another 2 hours. Rome is like some third world metropolis - narrow streets and millions of cars driven by bad drivers. Ours kept saying: " like..." Well, me no like you, Francesco, Franco or whatever your name was, you irritating bastard.

Finally, we got there - the hotel was all right, but the service was pure crap. I felt like I was sleeping with distant relatives that didn't want me there. I eventually found out that this attitude is ever present over there - everybody is grumpy and passive aggressive.
Of course, my old lady was delighted - the architecture, the culture, and all the other ... ture. But let me tell you - it's just a bunch of old ruined buildings. I could have seen that in Detroit. Even writing about it makes my blood pressure rise.

The only thing I was looking forward to was the booze. Italy is famous for its wines. Well, the good ones are very expensive and I wasn't in the mood for big spending; the affordable ones taste like and probably were pissed in.

After a long 10 days, the vacation was over, and we were on a plane.
I had to watch ''Shakespeare in Love'' twice. Perfect ending for a perfect vacation in the land that invented organized crime syndicates.

In short...
The good: sleeping and forgetting
The bad: every other type of consciousness that made me suffer that god-forsaken country
The ugly: pizza makers that pick their nose while making dough

Monday, August 6, 2007

''2007 Vacation Season'' - My Croatian vacation

Being that Magazine13 exists solely because I mastered the secret arts of file uploading and basic HTML editing, and therefore run our little operation here, it has been decided that I should have the privilege of writing the first article from the announced ''07 Vacation Season'' series.

Well, where-oh-where did I go (ignore the subtle clue in the title)?

To the Mediterranean sun and sea, children, or, more precisely, to the small state on the Adriatic Sea called - Croatia.
Maybe you have heard of it; CNN has been running its commercials for the last few months. And, I've got to tell you: it wasn't half bad. Actually, it was friggin' great!

The coastline is spectacular, full of small coves, hidden beaches, and isolated islands. The sea is very clean (there is virtually no heavy shipping) and has an ideal temperature. Its not too hot or too cold, but its very refreshing.
Although Croatia fought a bitter and bloody, well, you could say a regular civil war during the early 90ties, those times are clearly gone. No one is going postal with an AK-47 and there are no small children from Norway getting blown up by land mines while playing boy scouts.
People are very pleasant and open, but not in an artificial manner that screams: ''Give us your money, stupid tourists!'' and the infrastructure, especially the highways and accommodation are worthy of EU standards (and even above them, having in mind that Bulgaria and Romania are also in EU)
All in all, I had 2 weeks of pure Mediterranean relaxation.

I'll sum it up for you:
The good: sea&sun, local food, people, roads
The bad: beer. I tried two locally brewed beers that made it to my top 10 worst drinks ever - one is called Favorite! Only if you've lost your sense of taste.
The ugly: Very old German couples going commando on a non-nudist beach.