Thursday, September 27, 2007

Copper babysitters

Madelyn proposes a new use for the wired neural excitatory.
By: Madelyn

Hey, I know I don't know a lot about computers. If I did, I sure wouldn't let that a-hole MainE. destroyed our ranking at with his crappy editing and weak web-design. He even calls himself Main EDITOR, for Christ sake.

But, the geek idea - putting wires in the human brain - is just brilliant.
You see, they implant you with a batter/controller set, and it sends electrical signals through the wire that end up somewhere in your brain. The signals excite that particular zone, and thus create a change in your brain patterns. It's currently only used in the treatment of severe cases of epilepsy and clinical depression.

But, everybody is missing on big use for this.
Implanting it in children - on birth. But that's not all. When you come home from the hospital, you simply add them to your smart house system. After that, Hal 3000 will deal with them for the next 20 years.

I'm making no sense, right?

I'll describe my idea from a perspective of a 14-year-old boy.
His day starts around 8 in the morning.

Oh, man, my alarm clock is already ringing. No way I'm getting up, I'll sleep through the firs~
- weak electrical impulse -
I'm up. Now I'll pack up and make myself a healthy breakfast. Maybe I'll eat some candy~
- weak electrical impulse -
No candy, it's unhealthy. I can't find my math book - hey, there's my joint. We should smoke it later~
- weak electrical impulse -
I'll flush it down the toilet. Winners don't use drugs. And I'm a winner! I play football, although I hate it~
- weak electrical impulse -
I love football. Josh also plays in my team. I love when we sneak out and kiss and touch under the~
- weak electrical impulse -
I will say no to any form of homosexual activities, because I like girls. I will marry a girl one day and have children. Maybe touching a girl will fell as good as touching a boy~
- weak electrical impulse -
Of course, I will find that out when we are married in the eyes of church and state... I'm going to hang myself now!
- weak electrical impulse -
- weak electrical impulse -
No I won't. I'm off to school, because I like it.
- weak electrical impulse -

See? It's a perfect upbringing, and it has a ''Intel inside'' sticker.

Friday, September 21, 2007 - boy, we'll believe anything

Don't know if you heard about it, but this story is awesome.

Everything began with the This site offers a service - it will, as you can probably conclude from the title - find marriage opportunities for girls. Their pages show a long list of girls, aged 13 to 17, alongside their short background, likes and don't likes, and a price tag. Yes, a price, ranging from 20K to almost 50K.
So, as a potential suitor, you pay, let's say, 35 000 $ to the parents and in return get their daughter to be your lawfully married wife.

Oh, the humanity! - public cried out when the news about this site reached the eyes and the ears of the forever concerned. Why, this is unmoral! Girls that young, off to get married to some old sick pervert who found this site while looking for his next hit of kiddie porn. It's pure evil, and although not strictly illegal, it sure as shit wrong - said the worried housewife to her equally worried neighbor.

But, guess what? It is not real.

You can't even call this a prank, because it is a full-blown parody. Here's why:

1. They show Google ads on every page. Sites that do business in that price range don't show other people's ads. It would be like having a store and a gigantic sign that reads: ''The store down the street is 10 times better.''
2. Their Customer Service Co-Ordinator is called Jarrod Hightower. That name is number 7. on the ''Top 100 stupid fake names''.

Of course, if you're a religious crusader for children rights or any other kind of moral defender, I guess you don't know a lot about the Internet or similar ''Devil products'', so you can be forgiven for believing this humorous site is real.
But, you could have at least read some of the testimonials - comments left by satisfied customers, or in this case, the parents that sold their daughters.

''Our 15 year old daughter Mary wasn’t very popular and did nothing but mope around the house bringing everybody down, so we decided to marry her off through your site. Now our house is a lot cheerier and we love our new swimming pool and Jaccuzi! We’ve told our youngest that when she turns 15 we’re going to marry her off too! ''

This one should have been enough.

Anyway, just so you know, Magazine13 just opened an on-line service that lets you take a malnourished Somali child and drop him or her in a pool filled with sharks and acid. We charge 5$ per drop.
Write to your representative in Congress about our disgraceful and immoral business, and don't forget to bitch about it on your local talk shows.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

The most polluted place in the world

Grandpa Milo writes about... well, the title is really self-explanatory.
By: Grandpa Milo

Blacksmith technical advisory board.

Apparently, that's some kind of environmental organization. They publicized a report called ''Top 10 most polluted places in the world.''

And guess what? You live in the number 3!

I'm kidding! Hahaha - got you there!

Relax, if you're reading this there's no way you live in any of those places.
You have an Internet connection and can read English, and I can bet you also have a home and eat at least 2 times a day. So, I'm almost certain you didn't cut the list.

Maybe next year. Or just start polluting on your own, and hope someone from the Blacksmith technical advisory board notices.

The most polluted place on planet is called Kabwe, and it's located in Zambia. A big lead mining industry was built there, and now metals like lead, cadmium, copper, and zinc are everywhere. By everywhere, I mean in the soil, water, dust, locally grown food, and let's not forget - the locals.
Around 255 000 people are directly affected, and on average, children have blood lead levels just below the fatal amount.
Ah, the joy of growing up near those lead mines.

The situation is so bad that even Chernobyl was rated as less polluted.

But, there is hope. According to the Blacksmith technical advisory board, they are helping NGO bring information to the local residents about all the downsides of having lead around. Here are some of the advices:

1. Do not eat food from your area - you make 5$ a month, so go and buy some naturally grown macrobiotic meals from Netherlands.
2. Do not allow your children to play in the dirt. They should go to boarding schools in France, or play in one of the hermetically sealed rooms you certainly have in your 5x5 mud hut.
3. Try not to inhale air in the 20 miles circle around the mine.
4. Move to Hawaii.

I know you fell badly for all those poor people that have to go trough lead poisoning - you shouldn't. Soon, they'll be more informed about it.

Sure, they'll continue to die from it same as always, but you have to take baby steps with things like fatal long-term lead contamination.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Christ Samurai /Ninja/Robot Believers!

You'll love this book.

It's called ''The Way of the Christian Samurai'' and I ran across it by chance. I didn't read it, but its premise is absolutely brilliant. It compares Samurai warriors of old Japan with modern, devoted Christians. For example, Samurai were in the service of their Lord and were ready to lay down their lives for him, exactly as good Christians are, or should be in the service of their Lord, who isn't, in this case, a fat Japanese man from the middle ages, but God himself.

Now, I have seen a lot of stupid ideas, but this one is high on the scoreboard. Samurai were probably on the complete opposite end of all Christian values.

First of all, their job was to KILL, and I remember something about the 10 commandments being against killing. They were professional soldiers, and created an entire philosophy (bushido) that rejects life itself. Of course, they did this to decrease or even totally eliminate their fear of death and thus become even more efficient killing machines. Maybe that's what Jesus wants these days?

Also, they respected suicide immensely, and often killed themselves by cutting out their intestines (seppuku) for, from today's standards, trivial matters. Suicide is, as far as I know, also No-No for Christians.

And how about the habit of testing new swords on prisoners and criminals - you can't be sure your new bling-bling katana is good unless you decapitate a few doesn't random captives. Similar to Christianity, mercy was obviously very valued by Samurai.

Finally, let's not forget their love for man-love. In feudal Japan, it was common practice that younger warriors become lovers to older and more experience ones. Ah, man-on-man anal sex - so Christian, don't you think?

So, let's not forget: Samurai were mindless, merciless killers, military drilled from childhood and ready to do anything for their Lord. If that's what Christianity is looking for today, Samurai would be a dead-on choice.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Lebanon - a working holiday

In the next article from our on going '''2007 Vacation Season'' series read where Snake spent his time-off.
By: Snake

I bet not one of you people thought about visiting Lebanon this summer. Well, you were wrong. If you work as a mercenary, that is.

Let me tell you, that country is super. You can smell the sweet odor of war in the air.

You know that Israel fought a mini-war in the south last year, but something is telling me even bigger things are on the way. For someone like myself, although I'm not saying I am an actual mercenary or partake in any illegal or immoral activities (like arms trading, let's say) Lebanon is the place to be.

First of all, you have the Hezbollah. Those guys are always looking for some primo do dads, and the money is no biggie. Of course, it's preferable that you are of Muslim faith, but if not, a 10% discharge will seal the deal.

In the similar category is the Fatah Islam group. They are a little more on the fundamental head-chopping side, but if you bring gifts, preferably ones that go BOOM, you're more than welcome to their holly struggle. The only problem is that most of them are currently in Nahr el-Bared camp, where they're fighting an on going battle with the Army. So, if you can get in, and you don't mind the daily bombardment and sniper fire - it's going to be a blast.

But that medal has another face- the Army. They are underequipped, inexperienced and pretty much clueless about fighting. And who said that you have to shoot anyone yourself - you could become an instructor. The Army is multi-religious, so your belief system shouldn't be a problem. Don't expect to get rich, though. They use some ancient APC, so I guess they aren't exactly loaded.

Finally, you have the civilian population, who, like you and me (the ''maybe I am, maybe I'm not'' mercenaries and war traders) can see the blood & tissue writing on the wall. They know that the shit is about to hit the fan, and they want to buy some heat, ASAP. The price of small arms has tripled this year alone, and a new M-16, freshly stolen from a dead US Marine in Iraq is worth up to 10 000$. How do ya' like them apples?

Also, you have the Jewish, Christian, Sunni and Shiite communities, so, depending on your background, you'll be a welcomed sight in at lest one of them, except if you're a Buddhist dog of war, in which case you shouldn't be there anyway (Asia has a lot of working/playing opportunities, so don't come here and crowd the place)

I was there (or maybe I wasn't) for a few weeks, and now I bought myself an IPhone, XBox and there's a brand new jacuzzi sitting in my backyard. I also have a new offshore account in the Cayman Islands.

And you know what? I'm planning a new trip!

In short:
The good: upcoming civil war from hell
The bad: a peace process that would actually bring peace (yeah, right)
The ugly: look up ''the good''