Sunday, December 30, 2007

Happy Veterans Day! Or is it the Pirate Day?

New Year celebration, and indeed, the '08 is coming soon, and everybody here wishes 'yall only the things you wish for - except if you want a nuclear holocaust or another ''OC choppers'' season. In that case, you can go to hell.

Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Yummy, yummy, yummy, Jamie got something in her tummy

Britney Spears 16-years-old sister got knocked up, and Madelyn explains how her PR team should spin this to her advantage.
By: Madelyn

Press conference on Jamie-Lynn Spears pregnancy:

PR: Hello everybody!

I know you all have real stories to cover, so let's do in sailor-sex mode: short and sweet.
First of all, that dude isn't the father.
The real daddy is... GOD.
That's right, God left his or hers divine genetic material in Jamie's tummy.
You find that hard to believe? Here are the facts:

Jamie, like her whole redneck family is very religious, but not in any hippie/intellectual way, but more in the ignorant, cavemen please-give-us-rain manner that God prefers.

Second, she's hot. Unlike her trampy older sister, Jamie is still cute and adorable. Also, she's in the hardcore under age group.
Everyone likes that barley-legal stuff. In principle, this is in the same category. But, have in mind that He is the creator of Universe and complete existence, so He probably likes it even more barley. They don't call it sweet 16 for nothing.

Now, will all this mean that she is carrying the second Jesus/Jesusett Christ?

Well, her team of medical and church experts doesn't think so, and believe that this is more in the lines of one nightstand.
Let's face it; God has a really stressful job, so it's good for all of us that he got laid.
We know he had a good time: Jamie looks like a girl that knows how to give a decent time to her sex partner, and it's not like she could have said something like: ''Oh, I don't like to give a BJ strait away.'' God got whatever he wanted, no question about it. Now, I bet he's a lot more relaxed - maybe we'll have less Ebola outbreaks and a not so many Presidents from the Bush family in the years to come.
Also, theology points out that the second coming of Christ has to occur in a tormented place where the oppressed desperately need a savior.
Currently, that place is Iraq.

So, to sum it up:
God got Jamie pregnant, and the kid won't be the next Jesus.
She is still a virgin and doesn't believe in sex before marriage.
Human sex, that is.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

How NOT to kill your grandparents

Grandpa Milo debates the wisdom of announcing your criminal plans to the Church of Satan in the manner of this young man from Ohio.
By: Grandpa Milo

Some would say I'm old.
Most would say I'm in my ''golden years'', but no, I'm not.
They're not golden - they're horrible. It sucks to be old, and it pisses me off. And, because of that, I sometimes take it out on others, or, more precisely, on my family. I know my kid and grandkids sometimes want to kill me.
That's perfectly normal.
But, they don't send their plans to the high priest of the Church of Satan!
This moron did, alongside his full name and address. And what did the priest do?

Called the FBI, of course. Next day, a SWAT team took the idiot down town, where big guys with mustache yelled at him, and inquired about his views on radical Christianity, Islam, Satanism and Communism.
His grandparents lived.

Well, that didn't go as planed, asswipe. What did he expect?

Reply from the Church of Satan:

To the soon-to-be killer,

We received your letter concerning your homicidal intentions, and all we have to say is:
Good for you!
Keep voting Republican or the hippies will take away your grandparent-killing-guns.

Yours truly,
Dark lord Satan

You know what I would do if I was his grandfather? Thrash the whole house, draw some pentagrams and then covertly take the misses on a trip to Hawaii.

My retarded offspring would get arrested again and convicted as a multiple murderer. After a few months of max security prison showers and courtyard stabbings, we would show up and settle the whole thing.
That would teach him a lesson.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Top 10 scientific discoveries

Paul / Michael gives his view on top 10 scientific discoveries of 2007 by
By: Paul / Michael

No. 10: Real-Life Kryptonite
No, I'm not kidding. It was dug up in Serbia and has the same composition as the rock in Superman. I know - it's completely retarded.

No. 9: The World's Oldest Animal
It was a 405 year-old clam, but it got eaten in a very expensive Tokyo restaurant. Before its death, clam said in clear English: ''Humans, eat me!'' but I think it was intended as an insult.

No. 8: Man's Migration Out of Africa
Bad news for the KKK and Arian Brotherhood - we are all descendant from the black continent, byach! Oh well, back to the racial drawing board.

No. 7: A Big Birdlike Dinosaur
This is very cool, but only if you're 11 years old.

No. 6: "Hot Jupiters" Discovered
Didn't get this one. Apparently, they found some new planets - they are discovering new ones every week, for god sakes. I think those people are hitting the bottle.

No. 5: Building a Human Heart Valve
No good - the resulting product will only give us more walking, talking, complain seniors.

No. 4: Hundreds of New Species
Don't get used to them; we are going to kill them off pretty soon - the majority will be eaten in Japanese restaurants.

No. 3: Brightest Supernova Recorded
Some star exploded a few million years ago, but we're still waiting for our human stars to explode - like Britney Spears.

No. 2: Human Mapped
Some bearded guy mapped his whole genome first time in human history, showing the whole world he's an old overachiever.

No. 1: Stem Cell Breakthroughs
Now, this is truly something big. In a few years, we could be curing very dangerous diseased and making human life longer. They managed to convert a regular, living human cell to a stem cell, without having to destroy an embryo. But, they are still going to hell along side condom users, Bin Laden and all those who ever thought anything bad about Rev. Jerry Falwell.