Sunday, April 6, 2008

It was a wild ride...

... what can we (we, as in the staff of Magazine13) say but WOW.

Friggin wow. It was an unbelievable trip.
No, I'm not talking about some awesome drug experience, although it was good as pure Colombian nose candy.
The whole staff, writers and editors, took a 5-week vacation/fact finding mission. Unlike statesmen or real journalist, we didn't want to limit out visit to only on country or region. We traveled to every troubled part of the world, intent on finding the rock-hard truth.
Our faithful audience noticed that Magazine13 wasn't exactly a hive of activity last few days, but our final, super-compact report will blow your mind AWAY.
You better be, because here it comes:

South America

Venezuela: Human rights a-okay, no media oppression, no ties between the Colombian FARK rebels and government, oil export policies fair and reasonable
Colombia: No drugs produced or exported what so ever

France: good integration of Muslim minority in major cities, no unofficial racist policies in public structures
United Kingdom: home grown terror threat non existent
Russia: resurgent soviet era mad-expansionist cult of great leader not a big deal

Lebanon: civil war super-unlikely
Israel: not an apartheid state
Palestine: no problems with basic living conditions for 85% of the population
Iraq: feelings of patriotism and national unity strong, bombings and random killings super-low
Iran: human rights a-okay, no plans for middle east domination, no secret weapons labs for Hezbollah or Hamas
China: human rights a-okay, Tibet-what is that?
Afghanistan: not a killing ground for unsuspecting Canadian soldiers and other unprepared NATO troops, Taliban non existent, opium production hardy noticeable
Sri Lanka: ongoing civil war fought on land, sea and air not a big deal

Sudan: Darfur a-okay
Somalia: a-okay, no rising Union of Islamic courts insurgency against Ethiopian troops
Kenya: post-election violence gone and forgotten
All those other, sub-Saharan places fine as well

North America
USA: every little thing super-cool

See. We can only draw one conclusion.
Every little thing is just fine, so don't you worry your pretty head about nothing.
... just fine...

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

First kiss vs. first car

According to this survey (a lot of those recently here, I wonder why), more men better remember their first car than their first kiss. Madelyn gives her, slightly uncharacteristic and unexpected explanation.
By: Madelyn

I know you're eagerly awaiting my men-suck-big-time rant.
Well, sorry folks, it ain't coming.
This survey sucks big time. Men do to, but now let's focus on this piece of news.

... the majority of Britons remember their first car more readily than their first kiss...

More readily? Is that a word in England, or what?
Did the survey people ask: What do you more readily remember? From when - yesterday, last year, my youth?
Where did they learn their statistic methodology, in southern Italy?
Even if we ignore this ''little'' problem, others arise in its place.

First of all, I guess a lot of people got their first kiss before their driver license. I may be wrong here, but over there you have to be at least 18 to take the family machine for a joy ride. Believe me, by then kids get a lot more than a kiss.

Second, I'm pretty sure their firs car lasted a bit longer then their first kiss, unless they were bad drivers or really horny. Hey, I'm no scientist, but something tells me that longer experiences make stronger memories.

And, finally, how many guys from this survey still drive their first car?
Q: Do you remember your firs car?
A: Kind of... it's parked right outside.

True, men are insensitive pigs, but this survey doesn't prove anything. It would be like asking an Iraq veteran:

What do you remember more readily: you're first kiss, or the day you got shot in Baghdad?

Friday, February 22, 2008

Most boring movie of all time

Silentnight, bed manufacturer from the UK, finance a survey to find out the most boring movie ever. Grandpa Milo comments on the results.
By: Grandpa Milo

I don't want go through the whole deal, so I'll just do the top 3.

No. 3. - ''Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'' - 14%
OK, no arguments here. Although the movie has some interesting ideas, it all comes down on the same old ''Being John Malkovich'' routine - been there, done that. Also, Jim Carry again tries to prove he's more than that funny guy, but he's obviously doesn't get that we got it after ''The Truman Show''.

No. 2. - ''Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace'' - 18%
This is spot on. Lucas made a grievous error when he decided to make this piece of crap.
Not only is it boring, it's borderline retarded; he even managed to let down all those fan boys, which is a great accomplishment on its own.
The Force is in fact, produced by a bacteria found human blood! Good God, did that movie even had a script?

No. 1. - ''Lost in Translation'' - 23%
Now wait just a god damn second! This movie is beautifully shot, and has a deep and compelling storyline. Maybe it doesn't have Bruce Willis taking down helicopters with cars, but to call it boring is very... what's the word... oh, yes, stupid. To everyone who thinks this brilliant work of art is boring, I'm suggesting you concentrate on Adam Sandler movies. Boy, those pictures sure are exciting!
Although, I must admit: I may be partial to the young-sexy-girl-older-man plot.
After all, one can dream...

Monday, February 18, 2008

Not dead, just old

Clairvoyant Lena has some difficulties while summoning a person whose son could become the most powerful person in the World (next to Aaron Spelling, of course).
By: Clairvoyant Lena

We're all stoked up about those little elections that are coming up, and, naturally, we have a right to know everything about our candidates. That's why I will try go get in touch with one special person from the other side or the afterlife (if you're a movie buff) - none other but the mother of the GOP candidate - John McCain!

Let's get cracking, shall we?
Mmmmm... I'm connecting... here it comes... and we're live.

Hello Roberta Wright McCain! How's death treating you?

You got it all wrong, my dear. I'm still alive.

Oh yeah? And how are we talking, then?

Over Skype! You sent me an email claiming you wanted to chat about the new ''Lost'' season.

Come on, our audience isn't retarded. Everybody knows Senator McCain is 72 years old. You would have to be... like 116.

I got my son in 1936. I had 24.

Oh JUST 24, eh? So, you were forced into marriage and didn't really want a child! Juicy stuff...

No, I love my son!

You mean ''loved''. You are, after all...

For God sakes, I'm not dead. I celebrated my 96th birthday. You can see me on your web cam.

A blind sable boy could spot that's a recording of you from the 1947. How stupid do you thing the public is? But, even more importantly, why would the good Senator want to pretend his mother is still alive?

Are you insane?

Prove you are alive - kill you're self right now, over Skype, using something that didn't exist in 1947! Bash your head with the new James Blunt album!

Who is James Blunt?

Aha! If you really were 96 years old, you would LOVE James Blunt. I think this interview is over.

You should seek medical treatment, my dear, I thing you're seriously mentally... KLIC!

Oh, yeah! Tell it to Joseph Stalin, you totally deceased person.

In closing, I think we all know what was said here - her son was never actually flew over Vietnam, was not tortured for 5 years, and is, in fact, a even bigger non-hero than that other John dude (Carry, or something like that).

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Spielberg in Darfur snub to China

Paul/Michael wrote an article after being inspired by a badly crafted news title.
By: Paul/Michael

I was scrolling through BBC World headline when I found this one.
I know the meaning of individual words, but the complete sentence caught my eye like some kind of eyehook, based on top NASA eye-hooking technology.

Spielberg in Darfur snub to China

What does that even mean?
Naturally, I didn't read the article in question, and instead sought out to answer this mystery using only logic and paint thinner.

Is it Steven Spielberg, the acclaimed director of grate films like ''Ben-Hur'' and ''Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country''?
Of course, who else!
What is he doing in Darfur?
Did he join the Janjaweed militia?
After all, they are similar to sand people that attack Luke Skywalker in the beginning of his movie ''Star Wars: something, something'' (you know, the good one). Maybe he is exploring the possibility of a spin-off show, but more in the new, hip Reality TV format. Something like ''Live like those sand-warriors from that movie with James Earl Jones voice-over you really like''.
Except the genocide and stuff, it's could be just like ''Survivor''.

But China? And snub?

There weren't any Chinese people in his movies (I'm not counting ''Into the Dragon's nest'').
Does that make Spielberg a racist? I'm not sure... very likely.
But then China should snub him, not the other way around. Maybe he plans to weaker the incoming racist accusations by snubbing them first, so he could claim it's just a lover's quarrel between him and that country.
He is surprising cunning.

But, how does Darfur fit in this strange man-region in Africa-Asian Superpower triangle?
I don't know, I just don't know.
Although I have a strange feeling it involves the secret decedents of Christ, Roswell crash and the Coca-Cola Company.

Help me out - do you have any ideas?

Monday, February 4, 2008

Iran in SPACE!

Iran launched a missile that successfully reached space. While generals celebrate and party hard both in Washington and Tehran, Grandpa Milo gives his assessment of this remarkable feat of war engineering.
By: Grandpa Milo

What do you do when you open a brand new, shining space center?
Go have a drink in the local mercenary bar and pick a fight with a Jedi? No, God damn it, geek boys! You launch a big space ship/ballistic missile strait into the cosmos, of course. You have to check if the thing even works.

And it does. Although Iran claimed that they did this in February '07, we kind of didn't believe them, but I guess we believe them now. Maybe the Iranian general that made the announcement didn't burst into hysterical laughter this time, I'm not sure.

Well, we all know what will follow - Bush will do his ''their building their evil space empire'' speech, the Iranian President will replay ''we are just defending from YOUR eviler space empire'', and such and such. Later, both will ask their religious/financial masters: can we please, pretty please, go to war with those bastards, now?
They will leave sad, because the answer will still be no.

So, why is this even important, having in mind the all-out intercontinental conflict isn't coming?

Because the Iranians are planning to use this rocket to launch their very first home made satellite.
Imagine the business opportunity for all those TV networks - 80 million potential new viewers.
I bet it's a hungry market - it looks like they only have hateful news announcements over there.
I can see them going crazy for old ''Friends'' and ''7th Heaven'' episodes, or even the last, afoul ''X-file'' or ''Sex and the City'' seasons.

OK, maybe explicit sexual context wouldn't sell that good, having in mind the culture and all, but we could beep that out.

The studios should think hard about that - Iran could be the new big thing for television production.

OK, I know there are some folks that think Iranians will use the satellite as a spying tool.
Come on, they wouldn't build such an expensive thing simply to spy on the US second fleet or something.
My God, we already have Google Earth for that.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Is your neighbor an Enginerrorist?

Grandpa Milo comments on a new sociology paper that connects ''a engineering mindset'' and a predisposition towards Islamic terrorism. You know this will be awesome, right?
By: Grandpa Milo

Let me tell you, I was always a bit suspicious about my neighbor. He's an engineer. And everybody knows those sons of bitches are just crazy about radical Islam, right? I mean, after all, they do have an engineering mindset, after all.
I'll call Homeland security right away; he might be plotting to build a gigantic laser and use it against Hawaii.
He is an engineer, and engineers build stuff. Deadly stuff!

Now, kiddies, I didn't read this fantastic new paper that is the talk of the town, but I can tell you, the idea is so preposterous that I wonder why people just don't laugh at this. Then I remember, they're idiots.

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

The authors pose the hypothesis that "engineers have a 'mindset' that makes them a particularly good match for Islamism," which becomes explosive when fused by the repression and vigorous radicalization triggered by the social conditions they endured in Islamic countries.

Yes, those Islamic countries sure brainwash everybody long and hard, don't they. The grate sociologist himself Jerry Falwell often pointed that out. Also, the repressed always willingly and by free choice start to fight for the very thing that is oppressing them, right? Take The American Revolution, for example.

But, let's not forget about that evil mindset.

Whether American, Canadian or Islamic, they pointed out that a disproportionate share of engineers seem to have a mindset that makes them open to the quintessential right-wing features of "monism" (why argue where there is one best solution) and by "simplism" (if only people were rational, remedies would be simple).

Sure, those are the traits of terrorists, no question about it.

So, you can be American, Canadian, black, white, Islamic or even Chinese - the bottom line is:
If you love one best solution, rational people, insurgent videos and Bin Laden - you're an Enginerrorist.
The evil Enginerrorist are among us, people. Keep an eye out.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Escape from Gaza

Turn on CNN (or Fox News, if you're right now cleaning your bad-ass machine gun) - Hamas militants blew up several holes in the border fence with Egypt. Snake shares his view on this event.
By: Snake

Israel had a good plan.
Hamas, Islamic Jihad and other Palestinian militant movements have been continual targeting southern Israeli towns like Sderot with mortar fire and totally-not-based-on-Iranian-Revolutionary-guard-technology Qassam rockets.

So Israel put all those Palestinians in quarantine, cutting of vital supplies of food, medicine and fuel.
They tried to restrict air too, but that's apparently very hard. The idea was that in this kind of situation, all those hungry and freezing women, old men, and children would take over from the Israeli Predator surveillance planes armed with Hellfire missiles, and start to attack and kill Hamas mortar team by themselves.

No question about it, it was a good, thought out, solid plan.

UN called it ''collective punishment'', but everyone knows those bastards are jealous anti-Semites.

And it worked. Things got really, really bad in one of the most populated places in the world.
Sure, the Qassams and sniper fire didn't stop coming, but you have to give these kinds of things at least a decade or two to show results.

But then today, Hamas, with the help of Semtex, made a few more exits in the friendly, humanitarian fence on the Egyptian border. Immediately, people started crossing into Egypt to buy food and medicine.

Come on, NOT FAIR!

Will this make little Mohammad bare-handedly attack the democratically elected Hamas government?
No way, Hose.

So please, Gaza citizens, stop what you're doing and go back to orderly starvation. You can fantasize how the black population in South Africa had it good during the Apartheid.
Also, repair the fence. It 'aint yours.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Mission Man Band

I just love to watch the reality show ''Mission Man Band''. Madelyn too, but she explains how this idea should spread.
By: Madelyn

The plot in one sentence: 4 guys from some lame 90's boy bands get another chance.

Why just them! I want a second chance too! Please, VH1, call me! Save me!

Mission Happy woman with no kids & fat husband.
Mission Woman Pilot, or Doctor or anything.
Mission Woman escapes from suburban nightmare before she kills her neighbors''

Let's face it: everybody deserves a second chance.
Even if a TV crew has to follow you even to the toilet, and your drunken shenanigans become laughing material for the next 5 years.

But, please, give us a chance to try it all over. The firs run weren't golden. In fact, it sucked big time. And I don't want to control the damage; I don't want to live with my mistakes. I want to press the restart button, so I can do it right, or at least less wrong this time.

So, people, write to VH1. Ask them to save you from your miserable life.
I will.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Kenya or can't ya

Does anybody get the situation in Kenya? I sure don't. But Snake pretends he does.
By: Snake

Personally, I never dug any ''job opportunities'' in sub-Saharan Africa. There was a bunch in the last few years - Sierra Leone, DR Congo, Ivory Coast. They all had their perks, and the money was pretty good. But, I don't know, I always had this thing about that part of the world.
What, you ask?

Well, I sort of think that those counties are in a state of suspended chaos and anarchy.

This is the reason why the shit hit the fan in Kenya. It's not about elections, come on, people!
This is tribal warfare, 2000 B.C. style. The election crisis only offered the opportunity for all those ''concerned citizens'' to pick up bows, arrows and machetes.
If this is really about some election issues, those guys have a funny way of expressing their concern about the democratic process. When a mob burnt down a church with 30 people inside, where they actually saying:
''We believe that independent monitoring organizations from the UN or EU should attend our Presidential elections''.

No, this is a classic example how an artificially constructed nation state splits on the real divisions lines, which are, in this case, tribal.
Of course, if you are a westerner, you don't have any idea about all those different, warring tribes that where bundled up in counties that some sweaty British, Dutch or French governor drew up in his cabinet 150 years ago.

So we watch in dismay, appalled how a local ''example of stability'' can so quickly descend into shear homicidal/pyromaniac chaos.

Well, guess what? Looks like it really wasn't all that stable after all.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Torture trill ride

Are you also tired by those same old boring roller coaster rides? Paul/Michael found out a new kind of trilling ride in the most unlikely place - China.
By: Paul/Michael

Picture this: you're riding on a regular roller coaster. You climb the highest point,
the cart flips down for 180 degrees, and you're staring down, thinking to yourself: ''DEAR GOD, I'M GOING TO DIE!''

Right then, in that moment, nothing happens. You just hang there, alongside your fellow trill seekers, feet pointing toward the sky.
This will last for 30 minutes, and this is the brand new thing in Wuhu Fangte Amusement Park in China.

All I can say is: this... is... brilliant.

Before this, the main point of these trill ride was the overwhelming fear of a quick-car-accident style death.
But this one is tapping in that primal fear of a slow, excruciating death by torture.
The hanging of people by their feet is an ancient and well-loved execution method all over the world, still practiced in Afghanistan and other regions struggling to become free and democratic. In principle, this is the same thing. And who else would dare to introduce this brilliant feature, but the world's master torturers - the Chinese!

Plus, when you finally come down, you'll be dizzy and disoriented for several hours - the ride will go on even when you come home. Talk about beating the competition!

Chinese torture ride - very visionary, very bold.