Paul / Michael gives his view on top 10 scientific discoveries of 2007 by time.com.
By: Paul / Michael
No. 10: Real-Life Kryptonite
No, I'm not kidding. It was dug up in Serbia and has the same composition as the rock in Superman. I know - it's completely retarded.
No. 9: The World's Oldest Animal
It was a 405 year-old clam, but it got eaten in a very expensive Tokyo restaurant. Before its death, clam said in clear English: ''Humans, eat me!'' but I think it was intended as an insult.
No. 8: Man's Migration Out of Africa
Bad news for the KKK and Arian Brotherhood - we are all descendant from the black continent, byach! Oh well, back to the racial drawing board.
No. 7: A Big Birdlike Dinosaur
This is very cool, but only if you're 11 years old.
No. 6: "Hot Jupiters" Discovered
Didn't get this one. Apparently, they found some new planets - they are discovering new ones every week, for god sakes. I think those people are hitting the bottle.
No. 5: Building a Human Heart Valve
No good - the resulting product will only give us more walking, talking, complain seniors.
No. 4: Hundreds of New Species
Don't get used to them; we are going to kill them off pretty soon - the majority will be eaten in Japanese restaurants.
No. 3: Brightest Supernova Recorded
Some star exploded a few million years ago, but we're still waiting for our human stars to explode - like Britney Spears.
No. 2: Human Mapped
Some bearded guy mapped his whole genome first time in human history, showing the whole world he's an old overachiever.
No. 1: Stem Cell Breakthroughs
Now, this is truly something big. In a few years, we could be curing very dangerous diseased and making human life longer. They managed to convert a regular, living human cell to a stem cell, without having to destroy an embryo. But, they are still going to hell along side condom users, Bin Laden and all those who ever thought anything bad about Rev. Jerry Falwell.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Screenwriters strike
Did you hear about the screenwriters strike that's giving serious headaches in the movie industries? Grandpa Milo did, and he has a great idea.
By: Grandpa Milo
Hey, big time Hollywood producers, I know you're worried.
I know you wake up in the middle of the night, afraid and confused, and you think it's because of this strike thing. But, you're wrong. The underlying problem is much more serious.
You see, like the US, you are also dependent. But, unlike the US, which is dependant on foreign oil, you cannot simply bomb Iran and overthrow Chavez to deal with your addiction.
Sure, some of you are hocked on crack, others on whore killing, and that's perfectly normal.
But you all have one in common, and it's a biggie.
You are dependant on those ex-class clowns, alienated college graduates and washed up poets.
You need your screenwriters, and you know it.
But, that's only what they want you to think. You can do it all without their smart-ass scribbling.
How?
Simple - make your actors and presenters the writers!
Think it won't work? Think again - I didn't say they would be good. In fact, all would suck like crazy, because, well, no one became an actor because she or he was a good student. Majority was terrible, and this was their last option.
And that's exactly the point. Every movie, comedy or not, will be hilarious.
Just imagine - a spy action/thriller written by Keanu Rives!
A drama about a dying boy made by Sandra Bullock!
Science fiction flick written by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen!
We would laugh our pants off for sure.
And you don't have to stop with movies. TV shows, daily shows, late night shows - those people don't know anything about their gussets or the topics their covering. They would have to improvise or do their own material. Either way, they would expose themselves as ignorant, stupid, shallow persons, and we love to see that on TV. We wouldn't have to wait for their sex/drug use/aggressive behavior tapes to come out - we could see their embarrassment every night, all night!
Writers, who the hell needs you?
Go back to writing awful poetry and depression.
By: Grandpa Milo
Hey, big time Hollywood producers, I know you're worried.
I know you wake up in the middle of the night, afraid and confused, and you think it's because of this strike thing. But, you're wrong. The underlying problem is much more serious.
You see, like the US, you are also dependent. But, unlike the US, which is dependant on foreign oil, you cannot simply bomb Iran and overthrow Chavez to deal with your addiction.
Sure, some of you are hocked on crack, others on whore killing, and that's perfectly normal.
But you all have one in common, and it's a biggie.
You are dependant on those ex-class clowns, alienated college graduates and washed up poets.
You need your screenwriters, and you know it.
But, that's only what they want you to think. You can do it all without their smart-ass scribbling.
How?
Simple - make your actors and presenters the writers!
Think it won't work? Think again - I didn't say they would be good. In fact, all would suck like crazy, because, well, no one became an actor because she or he was a good student. Majority was terrible, and this was their last option.
And that's exactly the point. Every movie, comedy or not, will be hilarious.
Just imagine - a spy action/thriller written by Keanu Rives!
A drama about a dying boy made by Sandra Bullock!
Science fiction flick written by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen!
We would laugh our pants off for sure.
And you don't have to stop with movies. TV shows, daily shows, late night shows - those people don't know anything about their gussets or the topics their covering. They would have to improvise or do their own material. Either way, they would expose themselves as ignorant, stupid, shallow persons, and we love to see that on TV. We wouldn't have to wait for their sex/drug use/aggressive behavior tapes to come out - we could see their embarrassment every night, all night!
Writers, who the hell needs you?
Go back to writing awful poetry and depression.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Beware, seniors use social networking sites!
Grandpa Milo explains why we shouldn't be surprised with the fact that elderly people use sites like FaceBook or Myspace.
By: Grandpa Milo
Newsflash - old people DO stuff!
My God! Some one should write a book about that. Even better, a really pointless movie that underlines facts that are known even to a retarded sable boy. Al Gore comes to mind.
Come on, people! Over-50s Invade the Social Networking Scene?
That's not news. We are old, not dead.
Seniors use soc.net sites - wow, can they dance to a funny song? Do they react to their reflection?
If you find this fact intriguing, here are a few more, equally astonishing revelations:
There are Chinese that don't know kung fu.
Some men of Irish descent don't like beer.
A black man standing on a street corner doesn't have to be a crack dealer.
In other words, dear narrow-minded reader, being a part of an imagined statistical group doesn't imply your lifestyle. Just like you, we, the above-50-crowd can use new technologies and reap the benefits of the telecommunication age. But when we learn new stuff, we don't have a need to shout it out, like you do, because we don't have to impress anyone in hope of getting laid.
We are either married and/or just don't care about sex anymore.
By: Grandpa Milo
Newsflash - old people DO stuff!
My God! Some one should write a book about that. Even better, a really pointless movie that underlines facts that are known even to a retarded sable boy. Al Gore comes to mind.
Come on, people! Over-50s Invade the Social Networking Scene?
That's not news. We are old, not dead.
Seniors use soc.net sites - wow, can they dance to a funny song? Do they react to their reflection?
If you find this fact intriguing, here are a few more, equally astonishing revelations:
There are Chinese that don't know kung fu.
Some men of Irish descent don't like beer.
A black man standing on a street corner doesn't have to be a crack dealer.
In other words, dear narrow-minded reader, being a part of an imagined statistical group doesn't imply your lifestyle. Just like you, we, the above-50-crowd can use new technologies and reap the benefits of the telecommunication age. But when we learn new stuff, we don't have a need to shout it out, like you do, because we don't have to impress anyone in hope of getting laid.
We are either married and/or just don't care about sex anymore.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Do you believe in ghosts?
Why? Because your neighbors do, if you live in the US of A, that is.
According to this research, more than one third of Americans believe in ghosts
(34%), and the same number believes in UFO's.
But lets forget about lonely X-file fans, and concentrate on the first group.
Jesus friggin Christ!
34 percent! Ghosts, and not in the sense of an after life, but more along these lines:
Jimmy, I know you think granny died yesterday, but she is still with us; here in the living room, sitting right next to you.
I'm trying really hard to understand this.
I'm drawing on all my tolerance and empathy. But my inner Buddha is telling me the same thing as my inner Patton - these people are idiots.
This isn't a religious thing, because no religion propagates this moronic belief. Sure, a lot of tribal religions have ancestral spirits, but they represent a connection to the previous generations.
These are Scooby Do variety ghosts.
Someone died violently in a house on the hill, and now, their spirit can't find peace and has to haunt big-breasted teenage girls and their boyfriends on spring break. This isn't religion. These are ignorant superstitions from a Bulgarian mountain village in the 13Th century.
And one in three Americans believes in it.
Hey, but don't worry about this horrible fact - it's not like those loonies have a right to vote or hold public office.
Oh... wait...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Come to the US and..
Madelyn explains a brilliant scheme that could recover the fledgling US economy.
By: Madelyn
Last night I got to some heavy thinking while I was doing some heavy drinking.
Let's face it - US economy is totally screwed. One Euro is what now, 1.43 dollars or something; folks, we're in one big pile of crap.
That whole story got me so down I simply had to clear my head in a bottle of vodka.
After one hour and few false ''through-up'' alarms, it hit me.
Euro - the solution to our problems.
I mean, the Europeans. Sure, they are up tight and pompous and have a knack for losing wars, but now, they got cash.
And what Europies like?
Drugs? Yes, but they can score easier at home that here.
Alcohol? They got better booze than we do.
High-tech crap? Sure, but not ours. You can't even use IPhone over there, and really, that all we got that isn't still in every Japanese pocket.
Sex, you wonder. But they have Netherlands and what not, and there it's 100% legal.
Yes, it is. But is also expensive.
We, the old and young, from all corners of our proud country, could sell our bodies and love techniques to them.
Their money is worth a lot more here.
Plus, honestly, the whole world masturbates to US porn. There isn't a guy in Europe that fantasizes about some 19-year-old trafficked Romanian peasant girl in a shady Amsterdam apartment; they want an all-American Barbie dolls with fake everything, to whom foreplay means deep-throat and 4-finger back door job.
The women crave some made-in-the-USA muscle, and I bet they dream about our firemen, police officers and pizza delivery boys. The homosexually oriented have an equally big selection.
They all want to do it by the poll, in the sun, while the elderly neighbors watch.
And we want them to come. If they can afford a plane ticket, they can't be poor. I'm sure they'll be polite and curious, and don't worry about sickos and serial killers; you have a bigger chance meting them in your 7-11.
The best thing is that no one has to know you sell your body to them - simply brag how your European cousins are coming for a weekend. After they leave, you can magically afford those brand new high heel Gucci shoos you wanted.
I guarantee this would recover our economy in months.
I can even see the CNN international commercial:
Come to the USA and get laid like a golden god - dirt-cheap.
By: Madelyn
Last night I got to some heavy thinking while I was doing some heavy drinking.
Let's face it - US economy is totally screwed. One Euro is what now, 1.43 dollars or something; folks, we're in one big pile of crap.
That whole story got me so down I simply had to clear my head in a bottle of vodka.
After one hour and few false ''through-up'' alarms, it hit me.
Euro - the solution to our problems.
I mean, the Europeans. Sure, they are up tight and pompous and have a knack for losing wars, but now, they got cash.
And what Europies like?
Drugs? Yes, but they can score easier at home that here.
Alcohol? They got better booze than we do.
High-tech crap? Sure, but not ours. You can't even use IPhone over there, and really, that all we got that isn't still in every Japanese pocket.
Sex, you wonder. But they have Netherlands and what not, and there it's 100% legal.
Yes, it is. But is also expensive.
We, the old and young, from all corners of our proud country, could sell our bodies and love techniques to them.
Their money is worth a lot more here.
Plus, honestly, the whole world masturbates to US porn. There isn't a guy in Europe that fantasizes about some 19-year-old trafficked Romanian peasant girl in a shady Amsterdam apartment; they want an all-American Barbie dolls with fake everything, to whom foreplay means deep-throat and 4-finger back door job.
The women crave some made-in-the-USA muscle, and I bet they dream about our firemen, police officers and pizza delivery boys. The homosexually oriented have an equally big selection.
They all want to do it by the poll, in the sun, while the elderly neighbors watch.
And we want them to come. If they can afford a plane ticket, they can't be poor. I'm sure they'll be polite and curious, and don't worry about sickos and serial killers; you have a bigger chance meting them in your 7-11.
The best thing is that no one has to know you sell your body to them - simply brag how your European cousins are coming for a weekend. After they leave, you can magically afford those brand new high heel Gucci shoos you wanted.
I guarantee this would recover our economy in months.
I can even see the CNN international commercial:
Come to the USA and get laid like a golden god - dirt-cheap.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
It's a lull!
There appears that Mag13 entered some kind of weird creative lull.
I haven't received a single new article on any subject for some time, and now our page is looking like picture of Britney Spears vagina - like very old news. I know a lot of you people, our faithful audience, are getting worried about the state of things in the Mag13-land, but have no fear; our article-makers are working hard, only not with their hands but with their brains!
While in bed, watching TV.
Now, I have to write about something. That way I can throw sand in your eyes, and misleading you about our collective laziness.
So... umm... let's see... Bush, no... IPhone, no, no... Iranian nuclear crisis... I got it!
Say, what about those new pictures of Britney Spears crotch? Ain't they just swell?
She look a little more appealing that the last time, now that she has all that alcohol and drugs in her system that keep her slim. I guess those photos are going to get a lot more masturbation attention that the last ones. You know, the ones that showed surgery scars and strange hygiene standards.
Anyway, we are all glad that she has bounced back. We are even happier about the fact that in few years everyone, including us, will have a chance to have unprotected sex with her in some public bathroom for 5$.
Yes, that's that...
Have to fill more space; thing damn it, think! Funny stories, funny stories...
Hey, what about Bush and his...
Ah, just forget it!
I haven't received a single new article on any subject for some time, and now our page is looking like picture of Britney Spears vagina - like very old news. I know a lot of you people, our faithful audience, are getting worried about the state of things in the Mag13-land, but have no fear; our article-makers are working hard, only not with their hands but with their brains!
While in bed, watching TV.
Now, I have to write about something. That way I can throw sand in your eyes, and misleading you about our collective laziness.
So... umm... let's see... Bush, no... IPhone, no, no... Iranian nuclear crisis... I got it!
Say, what about those new pictures of Britney Spears crotch? Ain't they just swell?
She look a little more appealing that the last time, now that she has all that alcohol and drugs in her system that keep her slim. I guess those photos are going to get a lot more masturbation attention that the last ones. You know, the ones that showed surgery scars and strange hygiene standards.
Anyway, we are all glad that she has bounced back. We are even happier about the fact that in few years everyone, including us, will have a chance to have unprotected sex with her in some public bathroom for 5$.
Yes, that's that...
Have to fill more space; thing damn it, think! Funny stories, funny stories...
Hey, what about Bush and his...
Ah, just forget it!
Saturday, October 6, 2007
I'm afraid you'll have to stay a bit longer...
Paul/Michael writes a reaction on the thing everyone despises - having to stay longer in the office. Not me, although - I work at home - hooray for me! But I guess you drones can relate, so here is the article.
By: Paul/Michael
It was a great workday.
My boss told me to make some sticker designs for an upcoming promotion. I use CorelDraw, so I decided to play around with it and experiment. When I was done, I showed it to the Man and he was pleased.
But, I also had to insert the data, a task fit for someone with less skill, but I was cool with it. There was a lot of hassle and bustle about the event, so I took one for the team. That part was incredibly boring, because the stickers were labels for some Motherboards my company was selling and presenting - they all had stupid tech names like A690 TP, P7020 PT and shit like that, and it was really hard to stayed focused. I think they decided not to use anything even remotely resembling a real name! Why the hell don't they just name them Phil or Moon station or Sandy - I hope they name their kids M30DA-7A Deluxe.
That inserting task took me only 2 hours of pure fun-fun-fun! By that time, my shift was almost over. I told my boss that I had done everything and I was just about to leave when he asked me if I had printed them out.
In that moment, I was starting to get pissed off.
I told him someone should re-check the specifications I put in, because I was sure I made some errors.
So I had to wait while some guy from accounting did that. He took his sweet time and I thought that I could kill someone right...
I'm going to take it from here. Hi, I'm Michael; you know - Paul's other self. He really got upset about that whole deal with the stickers, so I had to act up on all that built up aggression and hatred.
First, we pissed in the office coffee pot, but just a little, so no one would notice and could drink it up with pleasure. Then we downloaded some job applications from our rivals to my bosses' computer and left an anonymous message to our CEO about his double-crossing intentions.
Finally, we took the big company banner that was intended for the promotion and wrote ''We do it with pigs and chickens, friends!'' on it.
Now, I don't seem to have a problem with staying late any more. Of course, on those days, I drink tea.
By: Paul/Michael
It was a great workday.
My boss told me to make some sticker designs for an upcoming promotion. I use CorelDraw, so I decided to play around with it and experiment. When I was done, I showed it to the Man and he was pleased.
But, I also had to insert the data, a task fit for someone with less skill, but I was cool with it. There was a lot of hassle and bustle about the event, so I took one for the team. That part was incredibly boring, because the stickers were labels for some Motherboards my company was selling and presenting - they all had stupid tech names like A690 TP, P7020 PT and shit like that, and it was really hard to stayed focused. I think they decided not to use anything even remotely resembling a real name! Why the hell don't they just name them Phil or Moon station or Sandy - I hope they name their kids M30DA-7A Deluxe.
That inserting task took me only 2 hours of pure fun-fun-fun! By that time, my shift was almost over. I told my boss that I had done everything and I was just about to leave when he asked me if I had printed them out.
In that moment, I was starting to get pissed off.
I told him someone should re-check the specifications I put in, because I was sure I made some errors.
So I had to wait while some guy from accounting did that. He took his sweet time and I thought that I could kill someone right...
I'm going to take it from here. Hi, I'm Michael; you know - Paul's other self. He really got upset about that whole deal with the stickers, so I had to act up on all that built up aggression and hatred.
First, we pissed in the office coffee pot, but just a little, so no one would notice and could drink it up with pleasure. Then we downloaded some job applications from our rivals to my bosses' computer and left an anonymous message to our CEO about his double-crossing intentions.
Finally, we took the big company banner that was intended for the promotion and wrote ''We do it with pigs and chickens, friends!'' on it.
Now, I don't seem to have a problem with staying late any more. Of course, on those days, I drink tea.
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