Happy Veterans Day! Or is it the Pirate Day?

New Year celebration, and indeed, the '08 is coming soon, and everybody here wishes 'yall only the things you wish for - except if you want a nuclear holocaust or another ''OC choppers'' season. In that case, you can go to hell.

Happy New Year!

Yummy, yummy, yummy, Jamie got something in her tummy

Britney Spears 16-years-old sister got knocked up, and Madelyn explains how her PR team should spin this to her advantage.
By: Madelyn


Press conference on Jamie-Lynn Spears pregnancy:

PR: Hello everybody!

I know you all have real stories to cover, so let's do in sailor-sex mode: short and sweet.
First of all, that dude isn't the father.
The real daddy is... GOD.
That's right, God left his or hers divine genetic material in Jamie's tummy.
You find that hard to believe? Here are the facts:

Jamie, like her whole redneck family is very religious, but not in any hippie/intellectual way, but more in the ignorant, cavemen please-give-us-rain manner that God prefers.

Second, she's hot. Unlike her trampy older sister, Jamie is still cute and adorable. Also, she's in the hardcore under age group.
Everyone likes that barley-legal stuff. In principle, this is in the same category. But, have in mind that He is the creator of Universe and complete existence, so He probably likes it even more barley. They don't call it sweet 16 for nothing.

Now, will all this mean that she is carrying the second Jesus/Jesusett Christ?

Well, her team of medical and church experts doesn't think so, and believe that this is more in the lines of one nightstand.
Let's face it; God has a really stressful job, so it's good for all of us that he got laid.
We know he had a good time: Jamie looks like a girl that knows how to give a decent time to her sex partner, and it's not like she could have said something like: ''Oh, I don't like to give a BJ strait away.'' God got whatever he wanted, no question about it. Now, I bet he's a lot more relaxed - maybe we'll have less Ebola outbreaks and a not so many Presidents from the Bush family in the years to come.
Also, theology points out that the second coming of Christ has to occur in a tormented place where the oppressed desperately need a savior.
Currently, that place is Iraq.

So, to sum it up:
God got Jamie pregnant, and the kid won't be the next Jesus.
She is still a virgin and doesn't believe in sex before marriage.
Human sex, that is.

How NOT to kill your grandparents

Grandpa Milo debates the wisdom of announcing your criminal plans to the Church of Satan in the manner of this young man from Ohio.
By: Grandpa Milo



Some would say I'm old.
Most would say I'm in my ''golden years'', but no, I'm not.
They're not golden - they're horrible. It sucks to be old, and it pisses me off. And, because of that, I sometimes take it out on others, or, more precisely, on my family. I know my kid and grandkids sometimes want to kill me.
That's perfectly normal.
But, they don't send their plans to the high priest of the Church of Satan!
This moron did, alongside his full name and address. And what did the priest do?

Called the FBI, of course. Next day, a SWAT team took the idiot down town, where big guys with mustache yelled at him, and inquired about his views on radical Christianity, Islam, Satanism and Communism.
His grandparents lived.

Well, that didn't go as planed, asswipe. What did he expect?

Reply from the Church of Satan:

To the soon-to-be killer,

We received your letter concerning your homicidal intentions, and all we have to say is:
Good for you!
Keep voting Republican or the hippies will take away your grandparent-killing-guns.

Yours truly,
Dark lord Satan


You know what I would do if I was his grandfather? Thrash the whole house, draw some pentagrams and then covertly take the misses on a trip to Hawaii.

My retarded offspring would get arrested again and convicted as a multiple murderer. After a few months of max security prison showers and courtyard stabbings, we would show up and settle the whole thing.
Maybe.
That would teach him a lesson.

Top 10 scientific discoveries

Paul / Michael gives his view on top 10 scientific discoveries of 2007 by time.com.
By: Paul / Michael



No. 10: Real-Life Kryptonite
No, I'm not kidding. It was dug up in Serbia and has the same composition as the rock in Superman. I know - it's completely retarded.

No. 9: The World's Oldest Animal
It was a 405 year-old clam, but it got eaten in a very expensive Tokyo restaurant. Before its death, clam said in clear English: ''Humans, eat me!'' but I think it was intended as an insult.

No. 8: Man's Migration Out of Africa
Bad news for the KKK and Arian Brotherhood - we are all descendant from the black continent, byach! Oh well, back to the racial drawing board.

No. 7: A Big Birdlike Dinosaur
This is very cool, but only if you're 11 years old.

No. 6: "Hot Jupiters" Discovered
Didn't get this one. Apparently, they found some new planets - they are discovering new ones every week, for god sakes. I think those people are hitting the bottle.

No. 5: Building a Human Heart Valve
No good - the resulting product will only give us more walking, talking, complain seniors.

No. 4: Hundreds of New Species
Don't get used to them; we are going to kill them off pretty soon - the majority will be eaten in Japanese restaurants.

No. 3: Brightest Supernova Recorded
Some star exploded a few million years ago, but we're still waiting for our human stars to explode - like Britney Spears.

No. 2: Human Mapped
Some bearded guy mapped his whole genome first time in human history, showing the whole world he's an old overachiever.

No. 1: Stem Cell Breakthroughs
Now, this is truly something big. In a few years, we could be curing very dangerous diseased and making human life longer. They managed to convert a regular, living human cell to a stem cell, without having to destroy an embryo. But, they are still going to hell along side condom users, Bin Laden and all those who ever thought anything bad about Rev. Jerry Falwell.

Screenwriters strike

Did you hear about the screenwriters strike that's giving serious headaches in the movie industries? Grandpa Milo did, and he has a great idea.
By: Grandpa Milo

Hey, big time Hollywood producers, I know you're worried.

I know you wake up in the middle of the night, afraid and confused, and you think it's because of this strike thing. But, you're wrong. The underlying problem is much more serious.
You see, like the US, you are also dependent. But, unlike the US, which is dependant on foreign oil, you cannot simply bomb Iran and overthrow Chavez to deal with your addiction.
Sure, some of you are hocked on crack, others on whore killing, and that's perfectly normal.
But you all have one in common, and it's a biggie.
You are dependant on those ex-class clowns, alienated college graduates and washed up poets.
You need your screenwriters, and you know it.
But, that's only what they want you to think. You can do it all without their smart-ass scribbling.

How?
Simple - make your actors and presenters the writers!

Think it won't work? Think again - I didn't say they would be good. In fact, all would suck like crazy, because, well, no one became an actor because she or he was a good student. Majority was terrible, and this was their last option.
And that's exactly the point. Every movie, comedy or not, will be hilarious.

Just imagine - a spy action/thriller written by Keanu Rives!
A drama about a dying boy made by Sandra Bullock!
Science fiction flick written by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen!

We would laugh our pants off for sure.

And you don't have to stop with movies. TV shows, daily shows, late night shows - those people don't know anything about their gussets or the topics their covering. They would have to improvise or do their own material. Either way, they would expose themselves as ignorant, stupid, shallow persons, and we love to see that on TV. We wouldn't have to wait for their sex/drug use/aggressive behavior tapes to come out - we could see their embarrassment every night, all night!

Writers, who the hell needs you?
Go back to writing awful poetry and depression.

Beware, seniors use social networking sites!

Grandpa Milo explains why we shouldn't be surprised with the fact that elderly people use sites like FaceBook or Myspace.
By: Grandpa Milo

Newsflash - old people DO stuff!

My God! Some one should write a book about that. Even better, a really pointless movie that underlines facts that are known even to a retarded sable boy. Al Gore comes to mind.

Come on, people! Over-50s Invade the Social Networking Scene?

That's not news. We are old, not dead.
Seniors use soc.net sites - wow, can they dance to a funny song? Do they react to their reflection?
If you find this fact intriguing, here are a few more, equally astonishing revelations:

There are Chinese that don't know kung fu.
Some men of Irish descent don't like beer.
A black man standing on a street corner doesn't have to be a crack dealer.

In other words, dear narrow-minded reader, being a part of an imagined statistical group doesn't imply your lifestyle. Just like you, we, the above-50-crowd can use new technologies and reap the benefits of the telecommunication age. But when we learn new stuff, we don't have a need to shout it out, like you do, because we don't have to impress anyone in hope of getting laid.

We are either married and/or just don't care about sex anymore.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Why? Because your neighbors do, if you live in the US of A, that is.
According to this research, more than one third of Americans believe in ghosts
(34%), and the same number believes in UFO's.

But lets forget about lonely X-file fans, and concentrate on the first group.

Jesus friggin Christ!

34 percent! Ghosts, and not in the sense of an after life, but more along these lines:
Jimmy, I know you think granny died yesterday, but she is still with us; here in the living room, sitting right next to you.

I'm trying really hard to understand this.
I'm drawing on all my tolerance and empathy. But my inner Buddha is telling me the same thing as my inner Patton - these people are idiots.
This isn't a religious thing, because no religion propagates this moronic belief. Sure, a lot of tribal religions have ancestral spirits, but they represent a connection to the previous generations.

These are Scooby Do variety ghosts.

Someone died violently in a house on the hill, and now, their spirit can't find peace and has to haunt big-breasted teenage girls and their boyfriends on spring break. This isn't religion. These are ignorant superstitions from a Bulgarian mountain village in the 13Th century.

And one in three Americans believes in it.

Hey, but don't worry about this horrible fact - it's not like those loonies have a right to vote or hold public office.

Oh... wait...