Sunday, May 6, 2007

Full Metal Jacket review

First post on Mag13. Hurray!
Read Snake's brutal review of the movie ''FULL METAL JACKET'':

OK, I admit it, I haven't been to Vietnam for a long time. I also can't tell you what exactly I did there, but I had an opportunity to discover this interesting country, so I feel competent to express my opinion about this 'so called'' work of art. In any case, I know about 'Nam sure as shit more than you, so shut your whiny civilian mouth, and read on, you bastard.
Full metal jacket sucks ass!
What a fucking disappointment.
''One of the best war movies of all time'' - some asshole, somewhere, sometime.
If FMJ is a war movie, then I never had to endure the removal of 28 shrapnel peaces form my right knee. The movie has nothing to do with war. But it lures the audience, doing the ''just few more minutes of drama-shit, and then the real mayhem starts'' maneuver.
For the first half, the main characters chill out like a bunch of lazy Mexicans on their Basic. Uuu, Basic Training, big deal! Jump, run, wash yourself, jump, run, shoot, sleep, eat, jerk of, jump, run, and so on. That's it. It's like boy scouts, but with grown men and real kick-ass bullets. But in FMJ, it depicted like hell on earth. Sarge doesn't like the fat kid, bu-hu-hu. Give me a bucket to contain my overflowing tears! Jesus, that's what he does. What was he supposed to do-relax, and then fat boy gets a tracer incendiary round in the crotch 5 weeks later? Sarge only does his job, and the movie depicts him as a crazy sadist.
Did he stick a hot poker smears with chilies in Pile's anus? No.
Did he pour acid on he's cheeks, and later rub some salt in the chemical burns? NO!
Did he have sexual intercourse with the maimed Pile's mom, dad, 8-year-old brother, uncle, cousin from Alabama, neighbours, firs high school sweetheart, teachers, janitor, swimming instructor, and his dog Rex? He didn't even do that.
Maybe he messed him up a little, but that only made Pile, like a real, hard solder, hop on a express train to Crazytown. Well, if that's reality, I'm a field medic. And I would rather be a rotting corpse in a necro-night club then a fieldy, who are bigger towels than those of a 400-pound beach enthusiast. But, not only is this a fairy tale, it's a boring fairy tale. I fell asleep until he finally didn't buy the farm. And before that, he shoots the Sarge. Well, that was a surprising twist, if you're a blind retard from Bulgaria.
At this point, I'm going crazy. Is this a war movie or what?! Where are gooks on fire, screaming children, napalm, torn, bleeding limbs, black Huis spreading death from far above? Finally, when chubby does his murder/suicide thing, I think to myself: ''Now the shit goes down!'' The remaining characters go overseas, and I'm craving a good bloodletting.
But, surprise, things there are equally peaceful. So we have some more drama: he's a journalist, they don't get him, and so he has to go to the front. Once there, he introduces himself to the rest of the gang, and it's like watching speed dating in a war zone. They do some chitchat , meet some hookers, then do a little more talking - JESUS CHRIST! Was this movie designed to torture the simple, explosion-loving viewer?
Just then, when I was preparing to shoot the TV, chaos of war begins. At this point, the movie could pull out and leave a decent impression - there's a sniper.
Where, what? What do we do? BANG! MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!
Next 15 minutes - great. But then they find the sniper, and it's the drama part all over again. She's small and cute, and they really don't know what to do, so they kill her. Out of the goodness of their hearts, so she doesn't have to suffer. She only killed few of their buddies, after all. Obviously, they were smelly jerks, nobody liked.
Now this is the most stupid, non-plausible part.
Why, you ask?
They are soldiers in an empty building. She's a cute female, and she can't defended herself or say 'NO". In fact, all that she can do is lay there, on her back, and whisper from time to time "Kill me". If that situation had actually occurred, every warm-blooded soldier would hear something very similar to ''kill me'', except that the first word would start whit an ''F''.
Not only that they wouldn't kill her, they would have brought their best medic to keep her alive for as long as possible. Everybody, from the lowest private to the nearby general, would've visited her.
After that, they would all kneel together and pray to the All Mighty that he keeps sending them the same kind of enemies. As the old saying goes, if you have to fight, fight beautiful barley legal Asian teenage girls.
At the end of this horrible movie, they all march 18-century style, with bayonets and all, and sing a Mike Mouse Club song. I'm guessing they are attacking Wonderland with magic, make-believe plovers.
And the main character is thinking about fucking a chick from his hometown.
HEY ASSHOLE; YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU KILLED THE HOT SNIPER!

In short - War movie in which war is not seen, because he moved to the real war movies, and took all the fun with him.

Snake

12 comments:

Aske said...

I agree, FMJ was a disappointment.

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