Happy freaking birthday

A bunch of easy tips & tricks for your child's all-important b-day party.
By Madelyn:


Few years ago, when your breasts weren't saggy and you smiled from time to time, you were in the sack with you're stupider, hairier half. And then his condom broke.
Today, you have to plan a birthday party for the results of that small protection malfunction.
And he or she insists you invite at least 30 equally loud, frantic friends. At that point, suicide looks very appealing.
But, don't do it! There is an easy way out.

1. Small company
First of all, you have to appear interested. Sit down with them, and make up a list of invitees.
Don't confront them; just nod your head as you write down the names of all kindergarten friends, Power Rangers, Santa Clause, Batman, President, Mickey Mouse, and the rest of the wish list guests. But, when you actually make the phone calls, do it from your own list, which consists 5 friends whose moms you can actually tolerate for a couple of hours. Sure, when the day comes, your child will be confused and disappointed, but you will rationally explain that the rest of his/her friends and superheroes have small pox and have to stay home.

2. Don't spend
Let's face it; kids don't know anything. So, instead of slaving in the kitchen for hours or buying expensive food, just get some cheap vegetables, slice them all up, and put them in a colorful bowl. That way, they can eat healthy organic stuff, instead of all that junk food, candy and cake. At least, that's the story for the parents.
Do the same with the drinks. Go out and by the most intensely colored syrup, preferably radioactive-green or dying-sun-red, and mix it up whit tap water. Add salt, pepper, sugar, curry, and Tabasco sauce, and put it in the freezer for 12 hours. Before serving it, tell them that's a special super-secret recipe , and only the bravest children can drink it. Kids will love it, although it will hurt a little going out.

3. Games
Children love to play games, but you can give them a few of your own. For example, they can play ''Clean the backyard'', ''Let's collect the trash'', ''Your parents will die if you make a single sound in the next 30 minutes'', or ''Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and DO NOT FALL ASLEEP''. While they enjoy themselves, you can also enjoy yourself and check up all the hot, buff young dads eager for some wild no-strings-attached sex in the upstairs bathroom.

4.Game over
If you decide that the party will go on forever, and the little bloodsuckers still have a lot of energy, make them some special pudding. Grind down a dozen sedative pills (Come on, you and I know you have a small pharmacy in your night stand) and mix it in. You can bet they'll gobble it down, having in mind they had to eat only some crappy vegetables. 10 to 20 minutes later, everyone will be on the express train to sleepy town. Their parents will have no choice but to say goodnight, and you, a last chance to put your cell phone number in a few strong, muscular hands.
All there is to do is to put your kid to bed, and plan what to do for the rest of the night.
You can go clubbing, and bring back a whole army unit if you like, because your special birthday girl/boy will be hard asleep.
After all, mommy has a right to party too...