Friday, May 11, 2007

A game of flowers

Read what happens when you realize your plants have diabolical plans. Against YOU!
By Paul / Michael, currently Michael:

Flowers. I always liked flowers. You could even say I loved them.
But, did they share my love?
I wonder because, well, some were plotting against me.
For many years, I have lived with a wide range of home plants. We never argued, and we lived happily together.
But, that was what I had thought.
I first started doubting their intentions when I heard faint voice in the middle of the night.
Are they standing next to each other, in my garden or in pots on my porch?
''Yes, yes, the moment is near.''

They were whispering to each other. Although I couldn't actually hear them, they communicated in high pitch, raspy voices whit a German accent.
Something very similar to the one that character Golum has, in that SF movie, ''Harry Potter and The Stones''.

''Brothers and sisters - '' they went on, little plotting bastards, '' - Be patient, and just stand there quietly, like we always do. The fool -''that was me, by the way'' - doesn't suspect anything. But soon, he'll smell one of us, completely oblivious, enjoying our sweet ordure, and then - BANG! Victory will be ours, my green comrades!''

Yes. That's exactly what the flowers were thinking.
It's been hard for me to admit it, but all the facts added up. The jigsaw pointed to a crushing, but undeniable truth. My plants, every one of those little, colorful wonders I transformed from lifeless, hard seeds to beautiful monuments of nature; all of them wanted me dead.
They were planning my demise. I didn't know then, and I still don't understand how it had come to this.
I loved them. And they decided to repay me with a poisonous flower knife in the back.
Metaphorically, that is. Or maybe not...
Anyway, they forgot one crucial thing. Betrayal is a two way street. And it takes two to walk the length of it. In the opposite direction. If you know what I mean.
I decided to fight back.
First, I had to find a place where they couldn't hear my thoughts. Because they read minds, oh yes!

Of course, the only logical choice was the bathroom. My ideas were safe there, because of, you know, the ceramic tiles. Space shuttles use the same thing for blocking the radioactive superheated space wave thingies. It had to work against the mind reading.
There I hatched my plan.
My enemies were depended on me. So, I decided to continue my routine, but with a small difference. Instead of watering them with normal tap water, I added a special ingredient. My urine.

It was a risky business. I had to maintain perfect concentration, or else they would read my mind. I thought of endlles universes and the multitude of stars in them. I imagined myself floating in pure blackness, surrounded by nothingness. I played James Blunt songs in my head over and over again. In the same time, I poured watered urine on the bastards.
I can tell you, it wasn't easy. Often, I cried my eyes out in the bathroom, fearing my plan was discovered. Some nights I slept in there, concerned that I could unintentionally reveal everything while dreaming.
Weeks passed with no results. I had to risk it, so I increased the amount of urine. Soon, I was in the bathroom all day long, drinking water so I could produce more flower poison.
But then, when I had almost lost all hope, one plant in my living room started withering.
That gave me a new hope.
I think I drank and pissed for the next few days more than I did in the last 6 months. But it gave results big time.
Other evil sons of bitches followed.
In a matter of days, all were dead. Brittle, yellow corpses surrounded me.
Success! I had prevailed.

But, my happiness was short lived. By total chance, my first door neighbour started planting a rose garden.
Now that's just a coincidence, you probably think that.
That's what they want you to think.
I know the truth. Plants don't forget or forgive.
I continue my game of flowers. And in this game, the looser DIES!

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